YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME!

I teach and use persona work pretty much every day. When someone is really stuck in an issue, it's liable to be because a persona has been activated. Since our most difficult personas originated when we thought our survival was threatened, rigidity and unwillingness to soften are pretty clear signals that a persona has seized the steering wheel.

Yeah, at least that's true for other people. I don't mind playing with a lot of my personas. My Airhead, Agnes Angst, Mrs. Victoria Hudson-Smith and Mr. Fix-it can be a lot of fun to play with. I just don't take them very seriously when they decide to make their appearance.

But there are a couple of personas I have that I don't enjoy. To quote Katie Hendricks, "You know you're really in the grip when it's not funny." This week I came face-to-face with "You're Not Hearing Me!" You know how it goes--you're not hearing me so I HAVE TO TALK LOUDER!! As you might imagine, You're Not Hearing Me has just about a .000 batting average in ever getting heard.

So I went back to the basics, being with it for awhile, then finally (with the help of my friends) getting down to the unarguable truth. Adding the dollop of appreciation allowed for real shifts to happen.

The good news of the week? You're Not Hearing Me got heard. By me.

The unfulfilled promise of BLAMING

I had a brief foray into writing Country Western songs--they're the best at expressing the true drama of life. Here's one I especially liked (imagine a drawling, slow paced vocal):

If blame feels so good, why don't I feel better?
It's driving me out of my mind!
If blame feels so good, why don't I feel better?
Not misery and pain all the time...

I think I've mastered the art of blaming. I've got a whole cast of characters: The long-suffering martyr blamer ("I'll do it, it's ok..."), the seething blamer (--SILENCE--but you know it was your fault), the defensive blamer ("I did the best I could, why don't YOU try?!"), and yes, the overt blamer ("I never would have done ____ if you hadn't done ____ first!").

What I notice about blaming is, alas, it's true--I really don't feel better. After the initial adrenaline shot of the first finger-point (even if it's at me), things kinda go downhill. What else is there to do? Wait for the other person to change? Try to brow-beat them into it? None of that has ever actually worked.

What does work? The big move is to shift into wonder. I have that word, "wonder," inscribed on my watchband so I can see it all the time. Going from the AHA!! to the Hmmmm, in Planet Hendricks terms, makes all the difference. When I blame, I believe I know the source of the problem. Of course, if that knowledge had helped, the problem would've been solved. When I shift into curiosity, the realm of not knowing, suddenly possibilities magically open up again. It's like the tide has started coming in and lifts me off of the sandbar I'm stuck on. And I get to turn around into the open sea. It's the sometimes scary unknown, but it's a rollicking good ride.

New beginnings; endings

In the past six months, I've stepped consciously out into the space of the unknown. We opened the Boulder Center for Conscious Living, we bought a new home--I've basically turned my life upside down. After being in the same office for 17 years and the same house for 13, life has looked very different from how it used to be. What used to be smaller and tighter--my office, my house, my schedule--now are big and spacious. Some of the time I fill this space with fear; much of the time it's with celebration and play.

What I notice when I muse over these past months is how much my old patterns have surfaced and completed themselves. This is most marked in my old tendency to people-please in order to stay connected, no matter what the price. July was a month where I could see people moving out of my life that I might previously have tried to stay relating to, no matter what the cost. I feel sad about these losses, and happy that I am choosing to be big, even if it means losing what used to fit comfortably.

Integrity

I like to do a blog that matches our enewsletter's theme of the month. Today it's all about integrity. Integrity is about seeing myself as whole, being as big as I am, and taking the actions that support my wholeness and so my power. My integrity is diminished when I don't speak the truth, don't make great agreements, don't feel what is truly going on, and decide to blame someone else instead of wondering "how am I creating this?"

I watched the consequences of my being out of integrity yesterday. I'd had a great time teaching the Essentials retreat over the weekend, and also noticed I was pretty tired on Monday. But I had a schedule to keep! (notice integrity breach #1?) So I persevered. I wasn't telling even myself the truth about being tired--isn't that what caffeine is for? By the time I came home on Monday night, I noticed familiar signs of "being out of integrity:" tight jaw, contracted energy, self-critical thoughts. I kept imagining having fun, yearning for it, but creating being serious. By Tuesday morning I was tighter. I thought about meditating and doing my morning pages, but who has time for that?? By last night my body finally got me to collapse. Phew!

So I woke up again (sleeping, WAKING UP, sleeping, WAKING UP) and became conscious about this. I so appreciate my community (and partner) for their kindness in shaking me gently awake again. The cost of not being in integrity for this round was an immersion into fear thoughts and so shoring up old beliefs about scarcity. Oh well. Now I recommit to living in integrity. And having FUN!

*If you'd like to subscribe to our enewsletter, email me at info@ConsciousBoulder.com.

Celebration

I like to pick Angel cards(from Doreen Virtue's deck) in the morning after I meditate, to reconnect with my unseen supporters and get a sense of direction for the day. Today's card was "Celebrate." It's description was about knowing that I've planted many seeds and that I have so much support in watching over their cultivation.

Soon after, I jumped on my bike and rode through town, stopping to do an errand on my way to the BCCL. The morning was beautiful, not too hot yet--as I pedaled by the community gardens I passed the parade of dogs, babies, and their respective guardians sauntering along the shaded path. I whizzed over to Pearl Street mall (mostly downhill--even better!). After my stop at the bank I had the most delicious round of olfactory experiences. It's like I was being presented with the next and the next and the next: baking cookies (must've been chocolate chip) from a coffee shop; incense from Lighthouse books; and flower scent after flower scent from every direction.

I celebrate how nature puts on such a show and I get to be the applauding audience; I celebrate how, when I create space like this, life unfolds before me; I celebrate my co-creativity with nature and with my community. I celebrate my life.

Dream come true

On May 9th, we had the grand opening of the new Boulder Center for Conscious Living.

Wow.

As I stood in front of the group, getting ready to introduce Gay and Katie Hendricks, I had a strong sense of "this is what it means when dreams come true." From my fantasy over these many years of having the intention to "create conscious community," to actually standing within a conscious community, I had the magnificent experience of being transported from seeing it all in my head to witnessing the much better version of "real life."

I feel tears of gratitude and appreciation in my throat as I write this. I am grateful to the community of people over the years who have stepped in to be my playmates in this vast new world of living life with the goal of feeling better and more expansive every day. I am grateful to my beloved, Kathy, for being my best teacher in learning the steps through the muck and back into the brilliant light of love and possibility. I am grateful to my fellow founders, Mari, Bryan, and Kathy, for taking ourselves seriously and making this idea into a physical reality. I am grateful to my colleagues, Mari, Bryan, Kathy, Nancy, Deb and BJ for saying YES, we can come together and teach this amazing work. And then, how do I even express my appreciation, my great-full-ness to Gay and Katie Hendricks? Every moment of every day has changed because of Gay and Katie. I feel joy; and when I don't, I know I will again. I feel magic. I feel the endless potential of this life. I cherish them both; I cherish you all.

What's a YES?

When I take the time to focus in on what my body is trying to communicate to me (sometimes at a VERY HIGH VOLUME), and then actually follow what it is asking for, I find that my life goes smoothly and easefully. When I let my mind direct me what I notice is hitting obstacles and roadblocks. It's as if I'm assembling a whole gauntlet in front of me to get me to hear the message: WARNING: YOUR MIND IS NOW IN CHARGE. And, as Ann Lamott said, "My mind is not on my side; it's a puppet show from hell."

This difference is especially evident when I make agreements. Sometimes I drift out of my essence pace and make agreements too quickly, without checking in with my body. Generally these are the agreements that I later regret and have to renegotiate. When I shift into spaciousness while making an agreement, I have the delicious experience of asking myself "what do I really want?" and showing up for myself in a joyful and powerful way.